We get it there. Somewhere.
Dry and at your door is the dream; proximity is the promise.
Box intact and dry? Rare. Battered, holed, and a little wet? On brand.
Your parcel will be delivered in pristine condition
Our pristine-forward methodology ensures boxes arrive pre-weathered for your convenience. Expect artisanal corner compressions, bespoke tape fraying, and a museum-grade patina of mystery footprints. It's not damage; it's character, carefully curated by our on-the-go quality control team (curbs, steps, and the occasional hedge).
Ensuring your parcel lands in the vicinity
Our drivers cherish the thrill of approximate navigation. Your door? Inspirational. Your bin, the damp patch in the garden, or that enigmatic bush? Aspirational. With advanced "near-enough" routing, we achieve delivery in the general postcode area with breathtaking regularity. Our delivery system could only be less accurate if we shot it out of an ac130.
Operational Excellence, Approximately Located
Our team rapidly identifies your parcel and expedites it onto the next outbound van. Colleagues are rigorously trained in advanced locating protocols and situational triangulation. On rare occasions, however (even with a map and a flashlight), our staff couldn't locate their asshole.
Exceptional Customer Service
Our exceptional customer service team is standing by to escalate your concerns into the void. Their manager Kelly sets the benchmark for responsiveness that defies measurement (during our scheduled responsiveness window: 3 pm to 4 pm, conveniently the last hour of her shift). As useful as a porcupine in a prophylactics factory, but with better hold music.